i probably am

my best friend so far, who will always be looking out for my best interest voted:
YES, for denial.

my other best friend, who is just one of the nicest persons around voted:
NO, for denial.

so by the majority of 2 over 3, i hereby grant you the certificate of:
YES for denial. 
please seek help.

on another story, i have been made secretary by two organizations. is that awesome or what? no, not really actually. being a secretary means a lot of work and i like procrastinating. procrastinate and i, we go way back. we've known each other forever. now i might have to leave him because i have stuff to do. tsk. no more hanging out with my best buddy, procrastination. 

that's me, trying to be funny. sigh.

there are also a lot of assignments requiring us (3rd-sem TESLites) to do microteaching. meaning, actually carry out the lesson plan (huh i also hate lesson planning!) on our classmates (meaning, the classmates will be  "the students"). 

that's a scary thought. i think i don't have what it takes to be a teacher. 

learning to be a teacher? that's easy. and TESL is really fun. i enjoyed most of the classes - even the ones that brought me headaches. i love 'em all. but teaching for real? that's a whole other story.

teaching requires talent, that's what Sir Zaki said. if you don't have talent, that's fine but your road in becoming a good teacher will be an arduous one. 

i fear i don't have that talent. 

if you don't like my writing, here's a caterpillar.

denial state of mind

Denial, in ordinary English usage, is asserting that a statement or allegation is not true.^[1] The same word, and also abnegation, is used for a psychological defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.^[2][3] The subject may use:

• simple denial: deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether

• minimisation: admit the fact but deny its seriousness (a combination of denial and rationalization)

• projection: admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility by blaming somebody or something else.

- Wikipedia

after reading that extract above, i realize that people in denial really CANNOT HELP it but to stay insisting that a certain fact, despite the overwhelming evidence, is not true.

i'm gonna go on a data-collection duty. to find out if i am indeed, in denial. well, i'll only ask three people (already asked one);

my room-mate and best friend, who has always been calmly understanding,

my best friend so far, who will always be looking out for my best interest, and

my other best friend, who is just one of the nicest persons around. 

my room-mate and best friend voted:

YES for denial.

=.= 

what happened last thursday

okay so last thursday, i went to that big hall of ours because of the ERIP (ekspo reka cipta & inovasi?) and seminars for our semester 8-ers and me, as an avid photographer (and also, a KSM-sniper) went snapping pictures here and there at the event.

and then there was this Dr. Zailah (philosophy, not medical) giving a very interesting speech and from what i can gather from my friends, she was awesome. well it's not like i wasn't in the hall, i was at back of the hall so i couldn't hear very well. and also, i was talking to classmate/fellow sniper, adzim.

and boy did adzim clarified something to me!

there's this guy, that one of my girlfriends, hidayah, has had a crush on since forever. so i started taking his pictures covertly (using adzim as a decoy, haha!) and afterwards, sighing contentedly; "so...handsome.." (with droopy eyes and all). adzim was mimicking vomiting - as what normal guys should do (i only have my two brothers as a reference for what normal guys do =.=)

here comes the important part of the story:
and suddenly, adzim asked me.
"if he's handsome, then how about X?"
i was taken aback. i was like, no adzim. why would you ask such question?
(background info: i used to text X all the time, and then suddenly we stopped so i thought the rumours would just flew by)
then i said to adzim.
"what about him? he doesn't even like me." (okay, that escalated quickly. haha.)

adzim's face turned serious. like i was telling something wrong and he's about to correct me.

"hey. he admitted differently to me recently."

as usual, my reaction to these kind of statement was calling the bearer of the news a liar and proceed saying he's/she's lying for a few minutes. after adzim swore, (okay, i wrote he swore to God but that sounds wayy serious so i backspaced) i fell silent. adzim teased me for like 10 seconds and then he stopped.

on a totally different time and setting after that, adam asked me:

"if you know that someone is secretly admiring you, would you go for it?"

that was a very heavy question. truth is, i don't know. what should i go for adam? honestly, there has always been one guide from Ayah regarding such matters and i haven't been able to use it (i think i've wrote it in this blog somewhere).

Ayah told me:
"if there ever comes a time when a gentleman approaches you, tell him that you still have Ayah and Ma, alive and well. tell him, if he's really serious, then come see Ma and Ayah. you are still ours - me and your Ma. we are your guardians thus it is only appropriate if one wants the key to have you, one should come to us."
(okay obviously my Ayah doesn't speak english all that well. i paraphrased him. he told me this guide in our mother-tongue of course, silly you.)

so adam, that's the answer to your question. and the situation has never been "a gentleman approaches.." so, the guide has never been used. squeaky-clean, sparkling, new. not even out of the plastic-wrapper yet. i am still waiting for someone to make me get the guide out of the box.

cukup-cukuplah mengganggu hidup!

kalau tidak terganggu, tidak terjejas, tidak hairan langsung dengan apa yang hidup bawa untuk dirimu, mungkin dirimu sudah terlalu terjejas atau bahasa mudahnya, sudah gila dibuat dunia! kasarkah? maaf tetapi tiada maaf yang akan dipinta. jangan terlalu bimbang apa yang orang akan rasa akibat kata-kata atau perbuatanmu bila kamu tidak menyanggah hukum Tuhan. dan orang juga jarang hendak menjaga perasaan kamu!

bukan tentang orang yang menyinggung perasaan orang yang ingin orang ini tulis.

ini orang yang mengganggu perasaan.

ini orang yang mengganggu diri.

ini orang yang mulai bertukar menjadi novelis apabila dirinya diserang angin merah jambu. (lagi? tiada warna lainkah? jujurnya warna kesukaanku itu biru. biru tidak bolehkah? tidak! biru itu lembut nyaman aman. merah jambu itu membara, panas, hangat dan menyerabutkan otak. sesuai untuk jenis perasaan yang dibawa oleh warna merah jambu itu.)

seikhlas hati aku katakan: aku tidak faham bagaimana orang lain 'menambat' perasaan mereka kepada satu, 1, SATU orang sahaja (yes, i'm talking about the petty matters of the relationship between a guy and a gal. deal with it). pada aku selagi tiada "aku nikahkan dikau..." dan "aku terima nikahnya...", why bothers 'menambat' perasaan itu? berjanji? ada perkataan lain untuk itu - bertunang. or in english: engagement. sebabnya selagi aku tidak berjanji makanya kamu ('pasangan' kita itu) tidak ada hak untuk menyekat aku, memaksa aku, memerintah aku atau apa-apa sahaja yang menampakkan seolah-olah kamu ada some sort of power ke atas aku. (kenapa aku semakin berbunyi ke-indon-nan ini? -,-)

aku berada di sini, Besut bumi Ulul Albab, tidak sampai lagi dua tahun dan dalam tempoh itu aku sudah pun have a crush on quite a few number of guys - dengan setiap orang pada berlainan masa dan dengan sebab-sebab khusus yang pada masa berlakunya crush itu, aku rasa sebab-sebab khusus akulah sebab-sebab khusus terbaik di dunia!

oleh sebab itu, aku sedang memohon dalam hati:

Ya Allah. Kuatkanlah hatiku, jiwaku, perasaanku, pancainderaku, dan segala apa yang Kau kurnia sebagai pinjaman kepadaku, untuk menghadapi ujian yang sudah sering Kau bagi padaku ini.
aku bersyukur atas ujian ini. ujianMu tidak akan lebih dari kemampuanku kerana Engkau Maha Mengetahui, ya Allah.
Ya Allah, jika ini sudah sampai orangnya yang Kau tulis di Luh Mahfuz, maka Engkau pimpinlah hati-hati kami.jika bukan ya Allah, jika ini masih lagi salah satu ujianMu ya Allah, maka teguhkanlah aku untuk menghadapinya.

another clueless admirer

and yes, that's me.

i'm sorry if the texts have been meaningless. they weren't for me. they were small parts of life that i have always cherish, probably always will.
but then again, i'm nobody. just a friend (at least i was. until recently). now i don't know if i should call myself a friend. i certainly didn't act like one.
and yes, as you probably have guessed, i've caught feelings. i've caught feelings bad. like always (this is not the first time i've caught feelings - although it is the first with you), i hope there is a happy ending for this story.

but that had never been the case.

i don't know why i act like this and i'm sorry if it has caused you great uncomfortable circumstances. scratch that, i know it has and i am truly sorry.

truth is, why did you have to pull that crap? (probably shouldn't mention it as 'crap'). i don't know what was it but it never leave me. i can't eat, i can't sleep. you are all i think about. God i sound pathetic.

feelings, please leave me alone. i've been through this once and it didn't end pretty well.

i don't wanna go through that again.

i don't know if this craziness worth something or not. i feel powerless. i feel like a crap. (i know, stop with the 'crap' but i just can't help it).

i'm 20 years old this year. does that mean anything? isn't my mind suppose to become super-matured or something? shouldn't i become more adult-like in dealing with this kind of heart-related matters? or 20 doesn't mean anything?

sad really inspired me. he seems like he is sure-er now. he knows what he wants. ("there's nothing sexier than a man in confidence." - emma, glee season 1). he's 21 years old and it's almost like he has turned over an entirely new leaf; at his utmost confidence about what he wants to achieve.

i think that's maturity.

and i think i am the farthest thing from it.