Yesterday, a car from the other lane swerved a little bit in front of me so I had to emergency brake to avoid hitting him but the road was slippery therefore I hit the divider in order to totally stop. The hit damaged my sport rim a little, and my heart.
It was heartbreaking to see the rim scratched but there's nothing that I can do. I thought about telling my siblings through our Whatsapp group but what's the point? There's nothing that they can do too. The only thing that I needed was for my hands to stop shaking (I literally rattle when I was rattled) and my heart to stop breaking. I tried to calm myself down.
Then I remembered a comment I read on Facebook a few days ago; women are emotionally dependant. I thought, how lucky! To be able to depend emotionally on someone. I thought to myself, it is a privilege to be able to depend on someone. I wouldn't be able to think like this three years ago.
I have lived more than half my life being dependant on my family, in every aspect. At the time, I could not tell you how supported I was because I hadn't realized it yet. After I started working and depending on myself financially, I found myself to be drawing a distinction between myself and my family. Don't get me wrong, we are still very close. I call my parents every week when I can, and I keep in constant touch with my siblings. But I found myself to be uncomfortable to share unnecessary information with them, such as the divider-hitting incident. Maybe I will eventually share it with them but as an afterthought, not an immediate, important urgency. I have never felt this way before. It's an event, why don't I feel like sharing it with my immediate family?
To be completely honest, I have been trying my darndest to be tough and independent. From the moment I arrived in Johor, I had a sinking feeling that from here on out, I have to do literally everything myself. Years in hostel during secondary school years have taught me to be somewhat independent, but this, right here, is the real deal.
I realized that I am way luckier than some people who had to grow up in a tougher environment; they grew up being independent. I didn't have to do that. I had love, protection and comfort from my family, alhamdulillah. It's probably why I am struggling with my current independence. Is this growing up? Not being able to depend on anybody anymore?
You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? Call your family, tell them everything that happened, tadaa... emotionally dependant. See, it's not about telling them. It's about not feeling okay to tell them because it has happened and there's nothing they can do or say that will affect the outcome of the incident. It's the RECAPPING of the story that has no other way of ending, that is what's bothering me. It's the empathy that I don't get, and I feel useless in getting. Like,
Me : I hit a divider.
Person : Oh my God, are you okay? Is the car okay?
See, those questions will soothe you. However, I have a constant feeling that the person I was talking to (in the effort of getting some empathy) will not care at all. Like,
Me : I hit a divider.
Person : Oh. Where?
See, the person was barely interested. I don't want to share if I think the person would not be interested in what I have to say.
This is what I feel with my family when I'm away like right now.
Is it normal to feel this way?
I have some friends here in Johor but I still don't feel comfortable enough to talk about something like this with them. This feels heavy and probably a little disturbing. I just hope I'm not depressed.
Toodles
