Monday, November 6, 2017

Falling out

Two weeks ago, I had two falling outs with two different parties at an eeriely close time. The first was with a few students I had become close to following our meetings during their examination preparation period. We're having this falling out because they felt uncomfortable with my judgement regarding their newly founded relationships with their fellow classmates. And by relationship I mean relationship, relationship. This was unfortunate because I had grown very fond of them and even considered keeping a close relationship with them even after they finish school. Obviously, I was saddened by the situation. I thought me passing judgment wouldn't be a big deal because I was their teacher, isn't passing judgment part of my job description? I guess we were a bit too casual and they took my words as my disapproval. Which was correct but they didn't have to stay away. They don't have to stay away.

The second falling out was with a close, very dear friend. Let me preface this by stating that I had no intention of stealing them away from their significant other. Stealing them away would be wrong. I wasn't born yesterday. But somehow they thought I was being careless, absent-mindedly mentioning that we meet all the time to anyone who would listen. I don't, but sometimes I drop their name in conversations because we talk all the time and I needed a subject matter. That is all. We go way back. And now I don't know if we'll be friends again. I don't want to if they're going to pull something like this again. I can't take it. Falling outs break my heart.

These events had me heartbroken so badly that my mother felt something was wrong so she called and asked. The call made me realize it has been two weeks. Two horrible, depressing weeks with nightmares and general unhappiness.

So far, I have no clue how to get out of the funk. The falling outs haven't been repaired, and I don't see that it will be in the near future.
Hope? Hopefully I will feel happy again soon. Haven't been happy for a while.

Update: I made up with the kids. It was magical. I don't know when they became important for me because it happened almost instantly, but I am glad we made up. It's nice to be wanted. I wonder if they feel the same way.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Emotionally Dependant

Yesterday, a car from the other lane swerved a little bit in front of me so I had to emergency brake to avoid hitting him but the road was slippery therefore I hit the divider in order to totally stop. The hit damaged my sport rim a little, and my heart.

It was heartbreaking to see the rim scratched but there's nothing that I can do. I thought about telling my siblings through our Whatsapp group but what's the point? There's nothing that they can do too. The only thing that I needed was for my hands to stop shaking (I literally rattle when I was rattled) and my heart to stop breaking. I tried to calm myself down.

Then I remembered a comment I read on Facebook a few days ago; women are emotionally dependant. I thought, how lucky! To be able to depend emotionally on someone. I thought to myself, it is a privilege to be able to depend on someone. I wouldn't be able to think like this three years ago.

I have lived more than half my life being dependant on my family, in every aspect. At the time, I could not tell you how supported I was because I hadn't realized it yet. After I started working and depending on myself financially, I found myself to be drawing a distinction between myself and my family. Don't get me wrong, we are still very close. I call my parents every week when I can, and I keep in constant touch with my siblings. But I found myself to be uncomfortable to share unnecessary information with them, such as the divider-hitting incident. Maybe I will eventually share it with them but as an afterthought, not an immediate, important urgency. I have never felt this way before. It's an event, why don't I feel like sharing it with my immediate family?

To be completely honest, I have been trying my darndest to be tough and independent. From the moment I arrived in Johor, I had a sinking feeling that from here on out, I have to do literally everything myself. Years in hostel during secondary school years have taught me to be somewhat independent, but this, right here, is the real deal.

I realized that I am way luckier than some people who had to grow up in a tougher environment; they grew up being independent. I didn't have to do that. I had love, protection and comfort from my family, alhamdulillah. It's probably why I am struggling with my current independence. Is this growing up? Not being able to depend on anybody anymore?

You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? Call your family, tell them everything that happened, tadaa... emotionally dependant. See, it's not about telling them. It's about not feeling okay to tell them because it has happened and there's nothing they can do or say that will affect the outcome of the incident. It's the RECAPPING of the story that has no other way of ending, that is what's bothering me. It's the empathy that I don't get, and I feel useless in getting. Like,

Me : I hit a divider.
Person : Oh my God, are you okay? Is the car okay?

See, those questions will soothe you. However, I have a constant feeling that the person I was talking to (in the effort of getting some empathy) will not care at all. Like,

Me : I hit a divider.
Person : Oh. Where?

See, the person was barely interested. I don't want to share if I think the person would not be interested in what I have to say.
This is what I feel with my family when I'm away like right now.
Is it normal to feel this way?
I have some friends here in Johor but I still don't feel comfortable enough to talk about something like this with them. This feels heavy and probably a little disturbing. I just hope I'm not depressed.


Sunday, August 13, 2017

Happy Anniversary

of working in Johor. Or of being a teacher. Both are true.

It's not until August 15th but I can't wait. This year has flown by so damn fast and everything was new and exciting, it's hard not to feel amazed that a year has gone by. What kind of sorcery is this?

So much has happened. I've lived in a hotel for two days - literally homeless. I've contemplated sleeping in my car once. I drove by myself for hundreds of kilometers in one stretch. I participated in a running event, even if running was not exactly what I did. I prepared fried chicken and sambal petai - a milestone which I haven't been able to repeat. I ate alone in a restaurant. I moved twice in a year. I played futsal for the first time in my life. I hit a pole while walking causing the people in a car nearby to laugh so hard they couldn't try to at least cover the fact that they were laughing at me. These are just some of the things that have happened this past year.

However, there are some unfortunate things too. I went without seeing my parents for months at a time. This is the biggest drawback. I kept being preoccupied from calling them, bad me. I miss my hometown all the time. I miss the beach, the ones here are very different. I miss the delicacy. I have to drive all the time. Very seldom I get to ride with others. Don't get me wrong, I like driving. But sometimes it would be nice if someone would offer like "Hey, you seem like you could use a break. Lemme drive." You know?

Living in Johor has been surreal. I feel like a part of me is in denial and convinced half of my brain to think that this is almost a dream. It will be over, I just have to tough it out until then. Which is a horrible way to live, but at the same time that Tyler Durden part of me is kinda keeping me sane. Okay I meant metaphorical Tyler Durden. I am not seeing a dangerous-looking heartthrob just hanging out around me, getting into trouble.

Here's wishing a better, more prosperous new year. Happy anniversary!  

Sunday, June 11, 2017

First Day Fasting in Johor


Today is the first day back in school after the mid-year break. It is also the first school day in Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, safely arrived in Johor from hometown yesterday even though driving alone long-distance while fasting was a very challenging experience.

The usual weekly assembly today was a bit unusual for me. This kid (picture above) suddenly came and sit next to me. At first I thought she mistook me for her mother (also a teacher here) but no! She really wanted to stay by my side. The whole assembly. And I thought kids don't really like me. My nieces had mixed feelings toward me the whole semester break. Or I was just a bad aunt? Haha.

Had some classes. Still hadn't written anything resembling a lesson plan (or plans as I supposedly had three classes today) but that's okay. People have Monday blues all the time. Perhaps I'm still recovering from the journey yesterday. I kept yawning in front of the kids. Should've come back on Friday. I thought about it but the thought of leaving home earlier than need be is very unsettling. It's almost wasteful, imo.

Here's a picture of a fig tree. Hopefully the fruits will soon ripe and we can taste the sweetness as mentioned in the Qur'an. 😊

Happy fasting!

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Tukar Sport Rim


Nak cerita pengalaman tukar sport rim semalam. Sebab sebagai seorang perempuan bujang, bila hal-hal kereta macam ni biasanya kita tak mahir kan. Bukan anti-feminis, tapi merujuk diri sendiri. Sekarang dah pernah buat sekali, lepas ni boleh tengok kat sini kalau-kalau ada keperluan untuk tukar lagi. Orang lain ke, kereta lain ke. Eh.

Pelbagai perkara perlu diambil kira sebelum kita tukar sport rim. Kadang harga rim memang dalam bajet, tapi perkakas-perkakas dia kita tak kira lagi. Haaa... Tapi sebab iolls dah boleh agak (sebab dah Google dulu lebih kurang bab sport rim ni), sedia duit lebih terus.

Mula-mula, consider saiz tayar dan saiz rim yang kita nak ambil. Iolls pakai Saga FLX dan saiz yang ditetapkan oleh Proton ialah 13 inci. Tapi bila ke kedai, memang rata-rata tak bagi kita ambil rim 13 inci juga; sama ada ambil 14 atau 15 inci yang mereka sarankan. Is it a marketing scheme? I don't know. Tapi memanglah 15 inci nampak cantik dan garang pada Proton Saga. Jadi berkira-kira untuk ambil rim (dan of course tayar) saiz 15 inci.

Sedih juga untuk berpisah dengan tayar lama sebab Continental baru pakai setahun (walaupun mileage dah banyak tapi tayar comel lagi). Tapi nak buat macam mana?

Sebelum tukar, survey dulu kedai-kedai kawasan sekitar kalau-kalau harga tempat lain berbeza. Masa iolls survey semalam, memang harga berbeza sangat. Makan ratus bezanya. Maknanya, harga rim, tayar dan sebagainya memang tertakluk kepada kedai.

Lepas dah jumpa kedai yang paling sesuai (rim ada, tayar ada, harga okay), kalau anda sama kes seperti saya, perlu tanya harga centre ring. Benda ni tak nampak di luar tetapi perlu dipasang. Masuk kan dalam kos.

Baru bukak cover. Selamat tinggal rim asal. Jasamu dikenang.

Lepas tu, tanya harga lock nut, sebab lock nut sold separately. Tak apa, jangan runsing. Kalau tak cukup duit, jangan buat lagi. Sebab lock nut ni penting beli yang baru. Kalau rasa takut rim diambil orang, kena beli lock nut yang ada safety i.e. hanya pemilik ada 'kunci'nya (atau socket). Iolls is a single lady living so very far away from family so imma not taking any chances. Kalau tayar kena curi memang menangis. Safety lock nut tu mahal sikit. Masukkan dalam kos.

Tayar dah dipasang rim. Selamat tinggal tayar Continental bersusun 4 biji.
Pemasangan centre ring

Pemasangan safety lock nut

Akhirnya, tanya kos alignment dan labour charge. Masukkan semuanya ke dalam jumlah kos. But wait! Tanya juga berapa mereka ambil trade-in tayar anda yang empat biji itu. Tambahan lagi kalau tayar anda masih berbunga dan cantik. Tayar second-hand masih kedai ambil. 

Semasa alignment dilakukan, mekanik mencadangkan saya menukar kepada adjustable chamber screw memandangkan setting lama yang tak boleh ubah itu senget sedikit darjah. Keadaan ini akan memendekkan jangka hayat tayar kerana tayar lebih haus pada sebelah yang lebih terdedah kepada permukaan jalan. Oleh kerana iolls belum ada bajet, nanti gaji iolls tukar chamber screw dan chamber yang tayar belakang (apatah nama dia lupa dah mekanik tu bagitahu) itu.

Okay. Itu ini begitu begini, semua sekali RM1419.00 (dah tolak RM200.00 trade-in tayar). Pada hamba rakyat marhaen ini, harga itu adalah mahal. Tetapi sebelum cover tayar tercabut di lebuh raya kerana lari seperti tiada hari esok, tukar pakai sport rim lah. Kalau cover tercabut tu bahaya ke untuk kereta? Setakat yang iolls tahu, yang tercabut bersama cover tayar kereta hanyalah nilai estetika. Sekian. 

Saga kesayangan hamba

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Wordful Wednesday

Is that right, wordful? Well there's wordless, surely wordful is its less known, more unpopular antonym. Unless the antonym for wordless does exist and I am just currently butchering the language. It's fine. It's English; most widely-butchered language in the world. People speaks English in so many tongues that sometimes even if you and a foreigner are speaking English to each other, you might still end up with no better understanding of each other.

1. The job is challenging. So many people have said before that the job will be taxing but nothing compares to the real experience. I had a chance to talk with a senior from IPGKSM today, Muaz, and he's talking about maybe applying for transfer. That's when I realized that he doesn't crave the responsibilities so decidedly amounted to him. He hates it just like the rest of us, he's just too decent to be rebellious in just his third year.

1.1 I am handling level 1 and level 2 English classes and I have to admit I kind of having trouble balancing small kids (7 and 8) and older kids (11). It's not easy because different ages require different approaches, techniques to imply. These are the human resources, I can't play fast and loose with them - just do whatever is easiest. Well with three classes to juggle, no less than 30 kids per class, you can bet that's how I roll. I know what you are thinking; I am complaining too much. Government school, what do you expect? But I thought we have a surplus of teachers coming out of everywhere. Right, I forgot. What to pay them with? It's sad, really, when education is the first thing they thought could use less funding. I have no papers to copy handouts with for my students! I wish I am not currently facing big expenditure in the near future or I'll buy a box of papers and it will be raining handouts for my students. Okay enough shop talk.

1.2 I just hope the situation will improve soon. Or I'll improve it by getting the hell outta there. Although it's never easy to get transferred. But apparently applying is.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Sudden Revelation

Revelation by nature has a sudden connotation, so I guess by "Sudden Revelation" I meant it is all the more sudden than what revelation could have meant. I'm rambling.

A friend was catching up with me. We tell each other about all the goings on in our lives. I've known this friend for over six years and I thought at this point, very little is left of what we don't know about each other. We talk every other week or every other month, hence my assumption.

A topic came up and out of the deepest, darkest of the blue, the friend told me they were adopted. I had to pick up my jaw off the ground by the time they finished telling me the story. The friend thought I knew this, they were surprised that I didn't. Then the friend proceeded to give me hints about their parents which I should've picked up ages ago. I've never felt more like an idiot than I was at the time.

So I started to ponder about the kids in my class whose adoption certificates I just received a few days ago. I've had so many scenarios in my head, mostly negative ones about their real parents and what had happened that caused the adoption. I was sceptical and a judgmental prick in my head. How could I judge those kids like that, thinking what was wrong with their parents that they had to be let go to live with other people, when one of my closest friends were adopted as well? More importantly, how could a teacher think like that? Teachers are supposed to be impartial, a nonpartisan body in the classroom to ensure every child receive the same, equally fair treatment. Instead, I was a judgmental prick.

They didn't choose their parents. It's not their fault. I have got to stop thinking about where they came from but think more about where they could go from here. That is probably something I can help them with.
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