I can't even

1. I cannot fathom this. There is no other way of looking at it, other than the fact that you are not here, fervently looking for ways to better help your suffering compatriots (that's right, at this moment the people are not your 'loyal subjects', they are the citizens of the nation and they deserved to be recognized as such) or running around furiously demanding more volunteers to help alongside him. There is only one way to look at it, and it's not looking good.

2. For it is really, good fortune and blessings from Allah S.W.T. that you and your family are excluded from facing such terrible fates. Alhamdulillah. And i wholeheartedly believe that you probably thought what you did was the best decision at the time. So, in one very positive and perhaps a little naive way to look at it, maybe this isn't as big a whoop as the social media made it seemed.

3. HOWEVER, i must state it here that if whatever it is that is keeping you from being here, in the heart of the calamity, was a prior commitment made to another person with the same responsibilities as you to his own subjects, then perhaps he'll understand if you needed to take a rain check. Because rain is literally pouring cats and dogs. He'll do the same if the situation is reversed. Why aren't you?

4. If this needed to be spelled out: you need to be here. Sleeves up to your elbows, life jacket-clad and handing out supplies. Because there are people in Kuala Krai who boiled mud water to have some something to drink. And they're not doing it because they are trying to be Bear Grylls.

Here's looking at you, mister.

the fairly tough Butter Cheesecake

So my mother's birthday was last Tuesday. We in the family doesn't usually make a big deal out of birthdays but we do like wishing the birthday boy/girl happy birthday, have a good birthday, stuff like that.

So my sister in KL called, so very early in the morning and wished my mom "Happy bithday!" and asked me to bake Ma a birthday cake. See, now, i haven't baked for months. I can feel that i'm a little rusty. But in the spirit of Ma's birthday, i went on the internet, found a butter-cheese cake recipe and thought to myself: "I can swing that."

Boy was i wrong.

I started to lay out the utensils and ingredients needed, i measured everything as intructed by the recipe, and then started the mixing process. Halfway through mixing, i started to get the feeling that my measurement was off somewhere, but i continued mixing.

The recipe called for a fully-whipped egg whites to be added to the mixture. For my entire baking career, i have never made whipped egg whites. Because:

a) I don't know how to separate the egg white from the yolk
b) I have avoided recipes that needed egg whites.

Anyway. The recipe wanted them. So i asked Ma to do it. She did it so flawlessly i felt like i could do it too! But of course i didn't.

I used a mixer to mix the other ingredients before i whip the egg whites. So naturally, i just grabbed another mixing bowl, and, without cleaning the mixing utensil first from the previous mixture, i straight away started whipping the egg whites.

Which was an exercise in futility. Nothing happened. The egg whites still was a flat, airless liquid.

Then Ma came into the kitchen, i told her about my distress, and she scolded me for about 15 minutes. I was NOT SUPPOSED TO use the same utensils to whip egg whites WITHOUT CLEANING THEM.

There. Our lesson for today kids; if your egg whites are flat, your cake will be too.

And no, no recipe will be attached. I hate the fact that i was not successful in baking this cake. Perhaps someday when i've conquered this quest.

First love

My room-mate and i just had a brief talk. A talk after which i felt a considerable amount of relief. Like i had a huge anchor around my neck weighing me down to an abyss. Now only half of a huge anchor dragging me into an abyss.

There's a girl and a boy who loved each other. They thought the world of each other and they were happy as can be. Problem is, love is not a permanent being; you can't give love and be sure to never change your affection toward the other person. Love changes. Love varies. Love is kind of like a woman changing clothes. There's no telling with love.

One day, the boy had a change of heart. He found himself no longer felt the attachment he so boldly told the world and the girl four years ago. However, the girl still felt the same. Her affection remains the same. So the boy kept his change of heart to himself. But he was hurting himself and the girl. It was wrong and it was obvious that the boy should say something.

Here's where i come in. I was friend with both of them. But i was a tad closer to the boy than with the girl (let me clear this up: me and the boy are completely platonic so no vicious rumour about me being the third person please) so i told the boy:

Please do not string her along. If you have no more feelings for her, then let her go. Let her find someone better.

I was completely within reason, wasn't i?
Apparently this wasn't clear for everyone.

Not long after, they broke up. And the girl stopped speaking to me. And if what i said to the boy made her stop speaking to me, i get that perhaps i sounded like i was encouraging the boy to dump the girl. But my intention was good. Don't i get points for that?

And also, i was wondering: doesn't she gets that i was on HER SIDE?

Then my room-mate said:
"Perhaps he was her first love. So she couldn't rationalise. She can only see and that you, with your words, broke her and him up."

Wow, intense.
So, perhaps, me and the girl won't be friends again. Forever. 

The cold is here

No, not the cold as in aa....choo! No, not that one. It's the one that blanketed the Besut sky with a grey-ish complexion all day long and blows brisk breath of air that seeps into your bones. There, have i wowed you with my ability to be descriptive? Hew hew.

1. I have been feeling a little bit lonely these past few days. Maybe it's because i am currently one room-mate short, maybe because i am longing to be in the company of my family or maybe because of hormones! I love it when as a woman, i always have that option.

2. It's true. I recently read (not that i don't know about this before, it's just the more recent the reading, the clearer i remember it) that a woman's moods or feelings are highly affected by the type of hormones running amok in her body. This is why when it is 'the time of the month', ladies are prone to be more sensitive and easily irritated than usual. The hormones main function is to help the body prepare for pregnancy, but the aforementioned conditions are the side effects. K, why am i writing all this?

3. I was using my friends' twitter accounts to tweet stuff. Wildly random stuff like:

"It's time for some quality movies to appear in the Malay movie scene."

and

"Kenapa kedai tudung dekat Kuala Besut tu tak bukak? Asal lalu je tutup."

And both tweets got a reply. I'll be honest, if i was tweeting random crap like that using my twitter account, it's unlikely anyone will reply. But somehow, my friends got some interesting feedbacks from MY tweets.

Am i scaring people away?

Another lip-biting news

I mean, c'mon. Give it a rest, pest. You wanna know why we don't seem to like you people? If you don't, would ya? Cause i'm dying to tell.

Let me start over.

I'm a third-year trainee teacher at an institution so messed up, i can't even. Okay, get it? So finals is approaching. Classes are over and it's Deepavali weekend so most of us are back home. Except for our East Malaysia friends of course. They always stay because, well, no point going back and forth when holiday is in a month, right?

So anyway. This is that time of the year we'd like to call 'study week'. It's a few weeks before finals begin and we'd have this time to recuperate, get together with classmates, have discussions, study group or study solo, whatever, you know. Just, our own free time. No one cares what we do as long as we show up for our papers. Which is, really, the only thing that matters.

Now came along our new papa, big guy on campus. I don't think any other lecturer would've suggested anything to him. No. This big idea must've come from him. Now the new rule wants us, KIDS we are, to be on campus ground and in CLASSES or LIBRARY during this whole study week period. When classes are already over. (Let me answer that question you didn't ask; yes, he wants us to spend 6 mind-numbingly boring hours in class just for the sake of being in class.)

My (insert curse here) papers are, give or take, FOUR WEEKS away!

So now, they are threatening absentees with a RM50 fine. Ah, what a life. I feel like i should write a novel about this, or something.

At the time this was written, i don't know if i'm following the rules or rebelling. I've always thought i'm kind of a rebellious person you know?

rant

I need to rant and f it, i don't care anymore. I need an outlet and if you don't wanna read this, feel free to leave a message with someone who gives a furry rat's behind. Thanks.

Where do i begin? I can't even (Insert muffled rage here). First of all, hats off to the wonderful people who's doing some wonderful job up there. You are really something. Second, . Actually, i don't have a second one. I am mad, ostentatiously so, which makes me mad at every outcome which has been produced as a result from the handiwork of the aforementioned people. This is starting to sound like gibberish, and it is purposefully done that way so that i wouldn't have to explain this should this come blowing up in my face at a later date. Plausible deniablity.
 
All that crap about we should be happy for other people's fortune is just that; crap. Especially when we were dreaming for the exact same fortune only to be snatched away by someone who probably doesn't even realised how easy they have it. I sound petty right now. Crap. I don't f-ing care anymore! You can make me however you like it to be.

I'm not happy. It's killing me inside. I can't wait to be outta that place one year from now. I've made some great friends, but some really crappy memories too. And running is what i do best. Not because i'm a coward. No. I refuse to be called that. It's because i can't wait to be on my own, do my own thing.

The saddest part about that is, nobody, f-ing, cares.

the business of trying to have a business

1. "Awak exam ke. Sy memang serius dgn biz tudung online tu. Harap2 jadi kali ni..amin ya Allah."

2. text received at 10.59am. i was not in the exam hall. my paper today was at 2.00pm. and at the time, i was studying my butt off because i have a feeling the paper is not gonna be 'easy breezy cover girl' type of paper -____-
anyway...

3. my sister has been trying for some time to be a businesswoman. she had a store once. but it didn't worked out. this time, she wants to try selling tudung (scarf/hijab, call it whatever you want as long as it covers your aurat) online. like how one of my friend does it. the other day, when we talked about this, i was fired up to help her about this. i'm gonna have the next month free so i am all hers to work on all the intricacies of selling something on the internet. not that imma an expert but at least i know a few stuff. i can show her how to do some stuff.

4. i put this stuff on the back of my mind cause you know, finals. had to force myself to focus. and then she sent me that text this morning. honestly, i really hope this can take off. it's not easy to make it but once you do, you gotta make sure you are ready to commit.

5. however, realistically, the chance to take off is pretty slim. there are A LOT of businesses online out there and tudung? it's neither new nor news. there are many of 'em out there and with a lot more variety of colours or designs or materials, etc., etc.

6. and so, forgotten all about this tudung matter, me and a few friends went out to Jabi tonight to celebrate our 'temporary independence' after our last paper today by eating some well known, much sought-after, sate Jabi! hehe.. that's a lot of fuss for just some sate. anyway...
the friend i mentioned before, the one with the booming tudung business? she was there too. she was talking with another friend, asking for pointers about going to Australia. i was a little surprised.
then i asked another friend : "who is **** going to Australia with? her whole family?"
the friend replied : "nope. just her and her brother plus her friend with her friend's brother."
and then i was REALLY surprised.

7. putting aside my jealousy for her freedom of going anywhere she want with just one muhrim needed and also the fact that she's going to visit AUSTRALIA, i was brought to thinking:
she must be using her own money. she'll just be going with her younger brother.
the money from her business is that much???
now, at this moment, i am truly, truly impressed.

8. we've always heard that hadith which stated that 9/10 of income comes from doing business, selling something. now, i have seen it from the beginning.

9. i know how she started off. and now look where she is.

10. may Allah bless my sister's path like He did for that friend of mine.

:)

updates

1. borrowing my..err.. someone i know's style of writing. maybe when i am done talking about the topic on this number, i'll move on to the next.

2. i am currently facing finals. but as per usual, i find this time as the most amazingly inspiring, incomparably wonderful time to write something on the blog that i myself at most times thinking "why the why i still hold on to that blog? it is so not cool anymore."
but i like writing. and i like writing long, tedious paragraphs that bores the people who read them. except if those people happen to like them. which is rare. which is if happened, it doesn't mean anything.

3.  oh Arsenal won the FA Cup! has been a while that i don't yap about Arsenal. it's a cool win too. they came back after Hull City got a 2-nil lead and Aaron Ramsey (or, as Malaysia fans call him; Harun Ramzi) shot the winning goal at 109min. i saw the video of the highlights of the game and yes i do wanna watch it again. but i have a study to get to. not a study as in a small room dimly lit by a fireplace located too far from the Brobdingnagian study table which makes any study of any kind is impossible, a study as in a study session consists of a mountain of books. a plethora of study. (did i use 'plethora' right?)

4. i got a car from Ayah. well not his, he bought a new one. for now, he is paying for it (together with a few other figures in the family). but when i get off school, got posted anywhere, he'll be like "You're up, kid."
hehe.
i like cars, i have to say. before i got the D-type licence (for Malaysians, this is the type of licence you need to be able to drive a car on the road and not get stopped by the police and get a summon for driving without a licence), i used to think driving is scary. now, after i got the licence, almost 2 years ago, and been driving around in my car for over a month, i must say, it is...less scary. the scary is still there, but i tied it up, rolled it in a blanket and put it in the trunk. it's still still there, but i can handle it.
scary doesn't exist when i'm riding a motorcycle though. perhaps blown away from the backseat when i was 8 years old. or 9. yes, ladies and gentlemen, those are the ages i started riding a bike. just a kapcai, not a Kawasaki Ninja or anything. relax. although, now that i mentioned it, someday i would like to ride a big bike like the Kawasaki Ninja. get a leather jacket, boots and everything. and just ride to KL. and then be very afraid cause i can't find the way to get to my brother's place in Selayang. (navigating is NOT my strongest suit. i use a GPS when i'm driving)

5. feeling a hollow in my heart for missing my nieces. well sure, i'm so far away now. i can't handle kids very well especially when they're acting up. probably should've thought about that before i choose to be a primary school teacher. next year will be my final year in school. not too far away now.

6. friends were talking about marriage just now. that's not surprising. it's not weird to marry young these days. leen asked me: when are you getting married?
i said: i currently have zero candidate lining up for a spot in my heart (not those EXACT words, c'mon. i simply said takde calonn -____-)
truth is, i am so not looking forward to being tied down. sure, the wedding'll probably be cute, but after that? i can't handle it yet, i think. i am so swamped with schoolwork. and also, i am the very lazy specimen of a woman. i believe jodoh comes when one is ready. meanwhile, i CANNOT imagine why people want to get married at young ages. oh wait i can imagine why *insert grins here*

7. i'll come back later if i have some more to say.

Mendung dan Sayu

Kesedihan yang tidak tertanggung ini,
Tidak kufahami mengapa,
Apa yang terlalu mengganggu jiwa?
Yang bernafas pasti berhenti,
Yang ada pasti pergi,
Yang hidup mesti merasai mati!
Lalu kenapa menangisi?
Kerana aku bukan terbuat daripada besi,
Perasaan runtun, jiwa lara,
Mesti kembali, harus mengingati Ilahi,
Kerana Dia menarik, Dia memberi,
Di mana-mana pun, semadi.